A little preface about this idea. Someone suggests a thing, and then I write something about or including that suggested thing. I asked a friend to name a thing a random for the first one, but after this, feel free to suggest something. The titles to these stories shall be the suggestion they are based on.
Early Romans Used Porcupine Quills As Toothpicks
Gladius stood at the bars of prison. He was awaiting his turn to do battle as a gladiator for the entertainment of his captors. The guards were making the rounds distributing “food” for the prisoners. It was a lumpy mass of indeterminable origin, but to stay alive here, one needs all the food they can get. The small mass of guards approached Gladius’ cell. “Slomp.” That was the sound of the food hitting Gladius’ tray. “Slomp,” said one of the guards. “He said he fuckin’ hates you,” said a different, but still not really important to the overall story guard. “Oh,” Gladius said. “And I don’t know who you are,” unimportantly said that second guard, again. “Oh,” Gladius said. “And NOW I SHALL MASTURBATE,” said some one else who was somewhere else and wholly unimportant to anything going on here.
“C’mon, it’s time for your fight,” said guard number two as he opened the door to Gladius’ cell.
“But I thought my fight was to be on the morrow,” said Gladius.
“SLOOOOOMMMPP!” said the first guard.
“But it is only fight’s eve not fight day,” whined Gladius, gosh I hate him. This Gladius guy sucks in my opinion, but what do I know.
“SLOMP,” cried the fearless leadership of the first guard who is a much better character in my opinion.
“Fine, ‘tis my destiny to fight in this arena regardless of time.”
“Please, just follow me to the arena,” said the second guard who was honestly getting rather tired of his job. He doesn’t like the way all the destined-to-die inmates spit and kick at him. He understands it, but it’s not like he is the only thing keeping him here. He has been punched in the face three times today alone, but he finds his strength renewed when he remembers what he is doing it all for or who, rather, as it would be in this case where it is his wife Amelia and his son Julius. Seeing their smiling faces greet him when he made it home was all he cared about, but work was starting to get in the way of that. Each day requiring him to stay later and later and the number of people who would soon gladiate grew every day, and some nights he didn’t get to go home at all. He heard that these years are the most important for a child Julius’ age, and not being there for Julius is killing him inside, he doesn’t want his son being a beggar or a leper. After today he was going to ask the boss about reassignment, but if the boss doesn’t go for that, he is more than prepared to quit his job.
“Perchance, whereas you filled mine belly with nourishing food, I shall fill yours with the sharp edge of a knife.” Gladius whispered in the ear of the second guard as he stabbed him with a knife he had stole earlier from a passing knifeman who was there to visit his animal rapist cousin. Gladius threw the body of the second guard at the first guard.
“Verily, I must make haste into the shadows if I am too escape my ultimate fate.” thought Gladius.
“Jesus, fucking kill that guy and if you could kill Gladius as well that would be nice.” said the second guard.
“Slomp,” said the first guard preparing to avenge his fallen friend.
Gladius tried to escape but got lost and ended up in the arena anyway.
“OUR CHALLENGER HAS ARRIVED” announced the announcer as that was what he was payed to do.
“THIS ONE GOES BY THE RATHER FITTING NAME OF GLADIUS.” The audience sat in anticipation of the bloodbath and didn’t really care for that joke. It went over better in the announcers head when he first thought of it, but decided that it really didn’t even matter because his second joke was better anyways.
“I BET HE SHALL NOT BE SO GLADIUS WHEN HE SEES THAT HIS OPPONENT TODAY SHALL BE… LIONS!!!” The crowd roared. The announcer felt glad that so many people enjoyed that joke, but no one really cared for it. They were just cheering cause he said lions.
Gladius was walking around the arena like a jackass cause he is dumb. God, I hate Gladius. SO. FUCKING. MUCH.
“AT LEAST IT WAS GOING TO BE LIONS, BUT IT APPEARS THAT WE HAVE A LAST MINUTE SUBSTITUTION, AS ONE OF OUR GUARDS HAS SWORN TO AVENGE ANOTHER GUARD KILLED BY GLADIUS EARLIER TODAY. SORRY, PEOPLE” The crowd booed at the quickly repealed lions, but they were still happy to be at the arena to watch a man die.
“THE REQUEST BY THE AVENGER IS THAT THIS FIGHT BE AN UNARMED FIGHT TO THE DEATH.”
A large gate was raised, and the first guard entered with a porcupine quill in his teeth.
“BUT A WEAPON THERE BE IN THE MAW OF MY OPPONENT” yelled Gladius complaining. God, what is it with this guy? IS IT JUST ME? IF IT IS JUST ME WHO HATES HIM, I’LL SHUT UP. Wait, no I won’t.
“THAT IS JUST A TOOTHPICK. LET THE FIGHTING… BEGIN.”
The first guard went punched at Gladius a bunch of times, but he only hit him a couple of times. Then Gladius took the porcupine quill out of the first guards mouth and stabbed him, because stabbing is all Gladius is good at apparently.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE VICTORY GOES TO GLADIUS.” The crowd roared with praises for Gladius. With his victory came freedom and with that freedom, he returned to his homeland. HOORAY. THAT IS JUST FUCKING GREAT, BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES GLADIUS, OH WAIT NO THEY DON’T. I HATE YOU SO MUCH GLADIUS. I HOPE YOU ARE ENSLAVED AGAIN, BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE YOU. YOU ARE THE WORST CHARACTER EVER. Hopefully, Gladius dies soon, but he probably won’t cause he is so brave or whatever. He’ll probably just keep doing who gives a shit.